BCBs stands for Bell-Curve Behaviors. In statistics, the bell curve is depicted as a wave. For dating purposes, the area under the bulk of the ascending and descending sides of this wave represents a person’s average behavioral response in any given scenario that is unique to them. Essentially, a person’s Bell-Curve Behaviors (BCBs) indicate how you can safely assume they will respond in most situations.

In the cause-and-effect world, their BCB is the effect. I will revisit cause and effect in this blog. Please follow carefully, because BCBs are of great importance when dating.

The Need for Accuracy

In life, our greatest need—whether we realize it or not—is accuracy. We need to know that what we see or hear is real. Since error is always present, our quest for knowledge is heavily dependent upon the accuracy of the information we have. In truth, “knowing” is often just our best guess, based on both present and prior collected information.

In research, to determine if something is real with as much certainty as possible, results must be replicated. When the same results appear multiple times in the same scenario—and especially across different scenarios—our conclusions become stronger. With people, this is similar to observing consistent behaviors in the same environment, and then consistently across multiple environments. Pay attention long enough, and you will learn that person’s BCBs.

When First Dating

Now, here’s the first call to action: when you first start dating, do not attribute any emotion to your partner’s behaviors. You are in the learning phase, collecting data, uploading important information. There are too many variables in the beginning that you can’t fully account for: you don’t know their childhood, their family dynamics, the quality of their friendships, or the trauma they might carry. You also don’t know how they’ll respond to a variety of stressors or why they choose to respond that way.

In terms of BCBs for dating, a safe formula is this: observe their external behaviors before you develop your internal emotional response.

The System That Governs BCBs

There is a system behind BCBs, and it begins with a person’s Belief System. This ties back to cause and effect: if the BCB is the effect, the Belief System is the cause. When you see a behavior on a date, that behavior arose from a belief—a baseline value or conviction driving your date’s choices.

For Dating BCBs, Belief Systems contain thoughts and emotions that can have a bidirectional causal relationship. Sometimes emotions trigger certain thoughts; sometimes thoughts trigger certain emotions. These thoughts and emotions inspire behaviors, and those behaviors create patterns.

Statistical Considerations (p-Values and Normality)

In statistics, there’s a value called the p-value, representing the probability that what you observed under the bell curve will occur again. When dating, you ideally want your assessment of your date’s behaviors to have a p-value of .01. That suggests a 99% chance that what you are seeing is indeed real and genuinely her (my dating preference is women).

The more you observe your date in diverse scenarios, the stronger your conclusions become—similar to large sample sizes in research. If you make a judgment too soon, you risk violating normality, a concept governed by the Central Limit Theory. In a dating context, making a snap decision based on limited observation can result in errors that harm your mind, body, and soul.

Type I Error

There are two types of errors in statistics: Type I and Type II. A Type I Error occurs when you reject something that is actually true. In dating, a Type I Error would be if your date shows a behavior and, instead of automatically assigning an emotion (and thus making a judgment), you choose not to react emotionally.

Early on, attributing emotions or developing deep feelings can be risky because you’re still gathering information. If you’re worried that your date might be missing out on the response their behavior “deserves,” don’t be.

When I boxed for the United States Army and the United States National Team, my former teammate and coach, retired Army Non-Commissioned Officer Charles Leverette, always told me: “When you’re in the ring, if your opponent makes a mistake and you miss the chance to capitalize on it, don’t worry—be patient; they’ll do it again, because that’s how they’re trained.” They’ll repeat the same behaviors because those are their boxing BCBs.

Likewise, if you hold off on attributing emotion in the beginning, and if this behavior truly reflects who they are, they will repeat it. That repetition gives you the opportunity to feel more confident and safe when you finally do attribute emotions. Thus, Type I Errors can actually protect you during the early stages of dating.

Type II Errors

A Type II Error happens when you accept something that is false—and this is the error you never want to make in dating. Early on, if you don’t already have a friendship with the person, you haven’t observed enough of their BCBs to safely let your heart warm every time you hear their name. You don’t yet know whether what you’re seeing or hearing is real.

During the early stages of dating, the risk of a Type II Error is high. Over time, though, this risk naturally decreases because the longer you spend with someone, the more you learn. By waiting to observe repeated behaviors before assigning emotion, you improve your chances of being accurate in your judgment. Once you’re confident in their consistent BCBs, you can allow yourself to develop feelings, knowing you’re safer because you’ve seen real evidence of who they are.

I understand it’s much easier to discuss this process in theory than to stay disciplined when you really like someone. I’ve been a habitual Type II Error offender myself.

Curiosity: The Magical Tool

Even when you feel you have a good grasp of your partner’s BCBs, there is an even better way to reduce remaining doubt: curiosity. In research, when exploring the relationship between two variables, you need to determine if one truly causes the other.

For example, why does she prefer to open her own doors? Is there a single reason behind this preference, or are there multiple contributing factors? We know from experience that more than one belief can shape a single behavior—this is known as covariance.

If you see your date hold the door for an older person, you might instantly label that as kindness. But do you know what she believes that led to holding that door? Perhaps she was raised to respect elders, or that person reminded her of someone she cares about, or she holds a specific religious belief about compassion. Any one (or combination) of these could be at play. Similarly, if your behavior causes a shift in her energy, it might be because of what happened to her before the date, an old memory, or both. This complexity requires further observation to avoid committing a Type II Error.

Communication: Key to Understanding Belief Systems

Communication is essential for understanding how a person’s Belief System and their BCBs connect. While observing BCBs is quantitative (noting the behavior, time, setting), open-ended conversations about those observations let you qualitatively understand the why behind each behavior.

This approach helps you feel safer in assigning emotion, because you’ve made an effort to confirm that what you’re seeing or hearing is real. Keep in mind that when people are under stress, they often revert to instinctual or core behaviors. 

When I competed in the ring, I learned that stress can knock you into survival mode, which will reveal your truest tendencies. If your date behaves one way that appears in alignment with your own beliefs, the right stressful environment may trigger behaviors that prove to be in alignment with a belief of theirs that is not congruent with your belief(s).

A change in someone’s BCB without a corresponding change in their Belief System can be like putting on the world’s best bandage—it only lasts until the “stress” rips it off. Enough stress pushes us back into the habits governed by our core beliefs.

Positionality: The Observer and the Observed

Next comes Positionality—the dynamic between the observer and the observed. Especially early on, just because your date likes you, your very presence can influence how they behave. Even if you say nothing, or aren’t physically in front of them, the fact that they want to impress you may be shaping what you see.

So, if you suspect the person might be on their best behavior, how safe do you feel trusting that their behaviors are genuine? All you have is the BCB in front of you to inform you if what you’re seeing or hearing is real.

Understanding positionality—and respecting its influence—helps you steer clear of a Type II Error. If you can find safe ways to introduce small amounts of stress during dates, this stress can reduce the effects of positionality; under stress, your date’s most authentic Belief Systems are more likely to emerge.

Predicting Behaviors and Avoiding Errors

Over time, BCBs create patterns. Observe them long enough, and you can predict certain responses. But here’s the Type II Error challenge: if you develop feelings too early, your heart may lead you to accept future behaviors you normally wouldn’t tolerate.

For example, if your date fails to do something you prefer nine times, there’s a 95% chance that on the tenth time, they still won’t do it. If you let nine instances pass without addressing it, you’ve probably already committed a Type II Error—and you may now spend precious energy justifying why their BCBs are acceptable.

When feelings get involved too soon, we tend to explain away red flags and convince ourselves it must be something other than what it really is.

Dating Mindset BCB Takeaways

• Adopt an information-upload mindset: Gather data before reacting emotionally.
• Stay curious: Ask open-ended questions to learn the ‘why’ behind behaviors.
• Filter out BCBs by adding mild stressors: Authentic behaviors emerge under pressure.
• Respect positionality: Your presence influences how your date behaves.
• Prefer Type I Errors initially: Remain neutral while observing early in the dating process.
• Avoid Type II Errors at all costs: Hold off assigning emotion to their behaviors..
• Communicate: Talk openly about what you observe and how you feel.
• Delay emotional attachment: Wait for consistency in your date’s BCBs before investing your heart.